Who’s Calling?

Who’s Calling?

As long as I can remember I’ve had an idea of what I should be doing my whole life. And that is, singing gospel quartet music professionally. To cut to the chase, have I accomplished that? No I have not, and it makes me kind of mad.

For some apparently stupid reason I’ve always felt that things eventually would work out, and I would end up singing Southern Gospel music in a quartet. I always thought the desire to sing, and my ‘talent’ where given by God, and He would make it happen someday. Why else would He place that desire to sing in my heart?
That ‘dream’ was kind of easy to believe when I was still in my twenties, heck even though my thirties I could believe. But now that I’m in my late 40’s it’s beginning to dawn on me, it ain’t going to happen..buddy!

Why have I had this desire for so long? I would love to have sung the good news for a living. Why hasn’t it happened? Maybe because I’m living in a country where we really don’t have a southern gospel tradition, or maybe I’m just not as good as a singer, as I liked to believe. Or a combination of the two…either way…I struck out!

I have a successful career in the aviation industry, and my life is very, very comfortable. Have seen lots of this world traveling, have a beautiful family, wife and kids. A couple of dogs, two houses, 3 cars. I even can easily afford the luxury of a ex-wife! And still my desire to sing, produce, creating good gospel music is present. Still hoping, against better judgment, that someday it might happen.
So strongly I feel this is what I should be doing, that this nagging feeling has cast a shadow over my life. Don’t get me wrong I’m not unhappy, or discontent, not even complaining (I know, could have fooled you). Truthfully I am thankful, and blessed. Still I feel that I haven’t reached my destiny yet.

Next best thing that I like to do besides singing, is writing. I enjoy it  so much, that have decided to go back to college to study journalism. I want to be a better writer, plus my career seems to get that groundhog day vibe. I love to do something new/fresh every once in a while, hence the ex-wife, You can  call me ‘restless’  and while you’re at it, drop the ‘young’. Still I must admit it’s something I do to take my mind of the fact that I’ll never be a professional quartet singer!

Before I am a father/husband/manager/wannabe singer/writer, I am a very realistic man. A guy who rarely dreams up stuff that is too extravagant or lofty. I was raised in a hardworking household. A  family deeply rooted in faith and the no-nonsense approach to honest and modest living. That is something I benefit from daily, both privately as professionally.
So is my mind playing diabolical tricks on me? For let’s say the last 4 decades?

Calling? Desire? God? Who’s calling? Me or God?
I read a quote by early feminist Susan B.Anthony the other day that made me wonder, so much that I felt I had to write this pathetic blog. So here’s me spilling my guts on this part of my life. Susan Anthony said; “I distrust those people who know so well what God wants them to do, because I notice it always coincides with their own desires”.

So did God call me to sing? God knows, either way, I was also tought by my parents to follow where He leads!
Oh well…

Auke

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